I´ve lost trust.
Truth to be told, I´ve lost much more than that. More than I can vocalize right now. I do not believe that there can be such thing as inspiration to me. Not like this, not in this state…
It dawned last year on me. Seeing my father´s shy attempts to draw again, to put something on paper, anything… His past as cartoonist, everything gone. Hard work made his hands heavy, insensitive for the flow of lines.
Watching him work each day harder and harder, letting deliberately his dreams die, each day a bit more, to the point he´ll forget that he even had dreams… Art was one of those dreams. Inspiring too. Facility, joy… Seeing his sacrifice, and not being able to motivate him to touch a pencil or a brush again. To see his disappointment as he tries from time to time… My realisation that he keeps getting worse…
It breaks my heart.
Helpless. And I can´t… I- I don´t know what to do or tell, to make it easier for him. If I am honest, there is nothing I could do. There is just guilt. That he did it for me and my sister. He let his dreams die for us. And I do not feel that I´ve merited such a great sacrifice… There is nothing I could give back. Nothing that could be equally important or essential…
This is why I can´t rely on myself with art, writing, painting, drawing, photography. If I have any talent at all, I sabotage myself. One foot on the gas pedal, the other one hitting the brakes. Both floored.
I´m going nowhere. Just burning up where I am.
This isn´t a story about victory. Never will be.
There are no real stories about success – because there is no “happily ever after”, nor a “long ago”…
Self-praise is as much a lie, as everything else about the ego. Only insecure people tell success stories, only hopeless people listen to those.
What nice fucking functional couple… Social mechanics always makes me want to throw up. Recoiling with disgust, though I have to admit that those couples work so effectively, that I tend to overlook them.
I´ll have none of that – theoretically.
But you know how it is, don´t you?
Everybody lies. I´m no exception. I´m a hypocrite.