I’ve been reading Pete Walker’s- C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and some of his phrases really hit me. It clicked with me so hard, that I had a lucid dream about it.

As a surviver I try to find new meaning in my life, to listen to my heart more, and care less about others. I slowly un-learn my adaptations, and try not to be on the edge that often. It’s a process, really. Slow paces up the mountain, sometimes sliding back down. Patience. I tell myself, after all It’s been more than two decades of abuse, that can’t go away that easily.

I’ve read this passage:

“…..Cognitive work is fundamental to helping you disidentify from the self-hating critic with which your parents inculcated you. As I am writing this, my son’s friend synchronistically tells him: “This Lego creature I made spreads brain attack and eats away at the person.” I marvel at this synchronicity and think: “What a fitting image for the trauma-inducing parent”…”

Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (S.25). Azure Coyote Publishing. Kindle-Version.

So my sub-/un-consciousness decides to make a novel out of it, giving me the possibility to remain lucid (a.k.a lets do do my stuff, meaning I get into it’s way).

I discover that there is a war going on, Second World War-ish, and it’s freezing cold. In the white landscape two groups of soldiers meet, and I get to eavesdrop them.

It’s the Cold War obviously, duh. So cold makes sense now.

The soldiers, belonging to different nations- being enemies, worked on the same secret/task. They discover this while exchanging cigarettes during battle, talking to each other. They are eager to share techniques, and data.

Then an officer comes by and blames them all with treason. He starts shooting, like the good officer that he is. I get into the way and stop him. The officer looks skeptical, but is impressed enough that he goes away. 

The soldiers reveal, that they all need to measure and understand, what the Heart wanted. Curiously enough, they have identical looking beating hearts with them, closed in, into identical looking tin boxes.

Seeing this, I knew, they have received a copy from MY beating heart, cause I was the only authority. I’m the dreamer, I tell myself, so that’d makes sense. Now I’m intrigued.

They discuss several different methods of measuring it, with electrodes, with film footage, recording its beating, paint it, write poems and measure the reaction, and so on… Not very scientific I know, but that’s what my subconscious can do.

It arts it’s way around the problem.

The whole dream was dedicated to follow people around, who tried to get, what that beating Heart wants. There was no resolution to it, but the way I tried to solve the problem, tells me more about myself.  I’m some kind of artist…

And for the quote from Pete Walker:

I followed a couple that travelled up the Amazonas rainforests to evangelize the Wild Ones. There is an old tribe worshipping a heart, they have heard about.

They had six children, but the parents shared a dark secret. They started the journey with ten children, whom they slowly consumed, brain first. They did this, to evade getting the Kuru Disease (you see, that’s where the doctor in me kicks in – coming up with a disease like that, to rationalize parents consuming their children -*shakeshead*).

Well the phone woke me, but the dream stayed so vivid, that I needed it off my chest. Thanks.

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