Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

You woke up today, congrats.  One down, thousand fifty-two to go. You will fall asleep, and wake up in Paris – for a month. Don’t trust a word what the cats say. There is no truth in a cat’s answer.

TAURUS

Yep. That’s a grizzly. Nope, it’s not the Yeti. By the way, those berries you ate half an hour ago, those weren’t huckleberries. Yep. Pretty much.

GEMINI

Your doppelganger dropped by, as you slept it off. He brought you groceries. He watered your plants and washed your dishes. That’s concern. You drink too much. If you keep this up, he needs to step in and take over much faster than he planned. Pull yourself together!

CANCER

You will be silent. Before that, there will be bad luck, and earthquake, war and bloodshed, explosions and hurt. Then you will laugh.

LEO

The simulacrum you created is faulty. You know where that is going to lead you? Not to world domination. Well, this isn’t a popularity contest. Keep away from wolves and werewolves.

VIRGO

It’s one of those days, where you need to stop and think, real hard. Who are you, Virgo? Try to remember. Who are you, and what did you want in the kitchen? Why are your hands bloody? Remember.

LIBRA

A questionable choice, but hey- you’re the one left holding the bag.

SCORPIO

Enough! Your bruised knuckles say so. You’re adequately prepared. Put on your armour, hone those blades. Careful with that poison. The one you are going to fight is on his way.

SAGITTARIUS

You will meet the woman today. She’s will show you a mask. You will take it and make it your own. Before you know, she will be your terrible lover. Time feeds your shadow, nurturing its budding into the abyss.

CAPRICORN

Death comes. You know there is a bargain to make. Your life for another, lifetime after lifetime. Death comes and brings the ghosts to haunt you. The poltergeist activity is the strategy to slow you down.

AQUARIUS

In the dark, there are monsters. They are afraid. They want to warn you, but they have no vocal cords to speak with, so they fall back on symbolism and omen. A mosaic of hints and superstition will lead the way.

PISCES

Let that nightmare lead you to salvation. You know which one. The Gods have decided.