ARIES

It’s late. You shouldn’t mind if a stranger offers help. Try to be friendly, offer tuna or salmon. This stranger could give you the most interesting time of your life, or eternal peace. It’s up to you. Somehow those cats won’t leave you alone, huh? A bit of catnip should do the trick, you’re welcome.

TAURUS

It’s easy to forget your dream from last night. It is easy to forget the dreams you had as a kid. You were so confident, you’d make them come true. That was the only sensible thing to do… But oh, cruel fate. There is no easy way to be faithful to dreams, my friend. They are what’s not tainted in us. They are what we choose to sacrifice.

GEMINI

Remeber, when in a strange land, be the strangest of them all. Demonstrate your bizarreness. The natives will recognize your superiority and designate you as their leader. Just kidding. You truly are the strangest of them all, but you adapt so well, that nobody would ever recognize you for what you are, freak!

CANCER

Water is rising, and you cheer on the floods, the earthquakes, the storms, the hurricanes, the hail, the landslides, the eruptions and the pyroclastic flows. You are rooting for that side. Yes. Of course, you are right. Nobody will convince you otherwise. Sure, nobody will try. In case you are wondering, this is because you are a force of nature, an Elder God.

LEO

Why not raise the stakes? The garden party will be a bomb if you mix in the bottle of poisoned Prosecco and the beer with the antidote. This is how a good host keeps his precious guests entertained. How else will you be able to tell, it’s an epic celebration, if nobody dies; or if nobody pins you to the murder?

VIRGO

If you are invited to a BBQ or a garden party, always choose the beer. Keep away from the Prosecco or the cocktails mixed with it. Trust us on this one. By the way, your ancestors are proud of you. They agree with you on most topics, but your attempt at time travel they find upsetting.

LIBRA

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s an exhausting week. It’ll be over soon, I promise. Do what you always wanted to do. Remeber that bucket list of things to do before you died? It is time to start fulfilling those wishes or find substitutes. Live your life as if was your last day on Earth.

SCORPIO

Today is the same day, for a week. Seven todays for you, all so you can repeat your mistakes precisely. You will forget what you’ve learned every night. It’s a surprise! Happy Now Day, you lucky bastard!

SAGITTARIUS

It’s nearly witching hour, and you make it look too exhausting. If you want advice, humans love gifts, jewelry, crowns, rings and such. To win over that particularly delightful being, plant the hexed trinket on the human, and wait for the romantic results.

CAPRICORN

It seems I’m the one breaking this to you. That flowerbed you made will be beautiful, even pompous. But those hard bits in the soil, those weren’t rocks, and you should leave them alone. Or call the police.

AQUARIUS

You are a toad now. Get used to it. That’s what happens when you upset an old blind gypsy woman. I mean come on, what did you expect? After all, you killed her cat. I don’t think she cares if you hate the taste of flies.

PISCES

Scratch that itch! Scratch that itch! Scratch that itch! Scratch that itch! Scratchthatitchscratchthatitchscratchit.

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