ARIES

Keep walking. You’re on the path of ancient evil. We know it doesn’t feel like that, but ultimately you will meet your God. The revengeful God of so many regions is smiling upon you. No, let’s be precise. The revengeful God is sneering at you. Keep your head down, and don’t stop walking. We root for you.

TAURUS

It’s time to relax, dear Taurus. Eat, take naps and have some drinks, then go swim in the ocean. When you cannot see the shore, you will be surrounded by huge black fins, don’t be afraid. They have come to guide you to the turquoise cave. Dive and follow them. You will meet the Ocean herself.  Listen to what she has to say.

GEMINI

Someone is trying to kill you. Avoid any risky situations, and be on your toes. Do not trust a living soul. The danger will pass, but you have to keep tabs on your enemies from now on. You do know, that one of them will succeed, eventually? If possible, take evasive actions. If not, be prepared.

CANCER

It’s time to bake a birthday cake. Celebrate your anniversary. Wrap up your gifts, forget what you got for yourself, be surprised. After all, you take the best care of yourself. There will be a party, but do not expect any guests. Get comfy, eat cake and plot the doom of everybody who didn’t come. Mwahahaha!

LEO

Uh, don’t ignore that dog bite. I mean, there is nothing wrong with howling at the full moon, or with hunting in the woods, but you are overdoing it. Look, snarling at other humans, that we can understand. Running around naked, is okay – we guess – but you do it on all fours. Isn’t this a bit too much? If you start to fear water, it’s too late. Nobody can help you then.

VIRGO

Dear Virgo, you are going to fall through dimensions. Choose your clothing wisely, take off your shoes, minimize your insulation. Also, you will need a lot of sugar, stock up. It’s time that you go to the library and catch up on history. Don’t forget to take the daily newspaper with you at all times.

LIBRA

In cold blood, that’s how you do it. Get the money, get the love interest, get away from everything else standing in your way. You’re free if nobody finds the bodies.

SCORPIO

Something good comes your way.  If we were you, we’d be sure to shut it out. You know that luck and great things have their prices. You have to understand the costs if you indulge in the goodness of fate, or anybody else.

SAGITTARIUS

This isn’t how it’s supposed to turn out, but since you’ve made it; here goes nothing: Take your time, use what you’ve learned so far and summon all your mental and physical strength. Remeber the key you found? Buckle up, it’s gonna be a wild ride.

CAPRICORN

You failed, so what. Greater men and women have failed at this task. You truly grasp the significance of this day. Ask yourself: What would God do? Sure, kill everybody and start from scratch is an option. How will YOU clean up this mess? Water to wash away the sins? Sure, but how will you create a flood of biblical size?

AQUARIUS

Downhill. The rivers flow, as time flows the same way, as well as life, all trickle towards death. You’re somewhere in the middle of it. There is no way to stop it. Why even attempt? Float on the currents. Be the leaf in the wind, the feather in the ocean, the fly in the soup.

PISCES

Welcome back. We’re happy you have that out of your system, this could have become a huge catastrophe. Now about those dreams, we cannot help you with the timeline, but we can help with the unknown information. We have an enormous database of geographical specifications.

3 thoughts on “Weekly Horrorscope

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s