C-PTSD progress

C-PTSD progress

I’ve been reading Pete Walker’s- C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and some of his phrases really hit me. It clicked with me so hard, that I had a lucid dream about it.

As a surviver I try to find new meaning in my life, to listen to my heart more, and care less about others. I slowly un-learn my adaptations, and try not to be on the edge that often. It’s a process, really. Slow paces up the mountain, sometimes sliding back down. Patience. I tell myself, after all It’s been more than two decades of abuse, that can’t go away that easily. Continue reading “C-PTSD progress”

On mental morphology

On mental morphology

Cinesthetic feasts


In the Czech Surrealist tradition, “morphologie mentale” is applied to the meshing of subjective experience with an external topography, so that particular external landmarks (such as houses, staircases, or trees) are integrated into one’s psyche, and affect its formation in the same way that certain vital experiences can.

“…human consciousness is not so much determined by various childhood deprivations and traumas, but rather by the landscape in which a person has lived and the objects that they might have touched. Many years ago, the Surrealists even tried, with the help of questionnaires, to prove that the way a landscape is formed, the number of corners a house has and how crookedly a tree grows outside the window, have as much effect on the psyche as the upbringing. The Surrealists called this imprint of the external (a collection of measurable quantity, dimensions, tone and colour) onto the spiritual microcosm of a…

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thoughts on shuffle

thoughts on shuffle

There are places, which make me stop and think for a while.

A lot of these places are in Japan… I can’t say it’s just the small little streets and corners. Sometimes it’s a crowded place in Kyoto, or a nearly empty little street in Shibuya, a playground in Minami Nagareyama, a JR ferry in Hiroshima… They differ from each other so greatly, that I wonder if they are even on the same planet – which obviously they are.
Maybe it is a simple panic attack, or derealization experience I had…
Only, if it wasn’t for that deja-vu… 

I’ll be more precise.

The feeling they give me, makes me stop. Suddenly I have not enough breath in my lungs and my feet stretch to touch the core of the planet. A weird kind of buzzing fills the space between my ears…

I’ve been here before, haven’t I? Continue reading “thoughts on shuffle”

desire flashbacks

desire flashbacks

Why is it, that suddenly everything starts to gravitate towards the edge?
Those jagged edges of the you-shaped hole chew away my reality.

I let my fingers, thoughts and heart brush over it. Just to be sure, it is there. I’m not imagining it. Not imagining you.

Sharp. I cut myself remembering you. Missing you… Returning to the same spot. Hurting again.

Sometimes it’s a cracking sound, sometimes a wet ripping… Sometimes the gut twisting silence I’m forced to listen to. Continue reading “desire flashbacks”

brain storms



I was once trapped.

Caught and bound.

Wrapped in bones,

flesh and blood and skin.

A hostile universe tied

to me, inside of me.

I knew it, deep down,

felt it move.

Felt is grow.

Dressed up into

my own delusions,

in my own pictures

of the world and me-

it’s leather on skin,

thought on fact,

flesh on bone,

time on space…

Good intentions on sins

clean gloves on dirty hands

Me on me.

And another me.


Next stop, 2015

To all of you, Happy New Year!

May  your demons sleep, and your toes be cosy warm. May your plates be full, and cups filled with your favorite liquid bliss.

May your ways be narrow but easy to walk. May the wayside obstacles entertain and help you. Look for the stars, but don’t forget to look before your feet.

May your travel buddies  keep you safe and stark. May your loved ones accompany you, in every step you make.

May your wishes grant you the growing impulse you need.

– be safe!