C-PTSD progress

I’ve been reading Pete Walker’s- C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving, and some of his phrases really hit me. It clicked with me so hard, that I had a lucid dream about it.

As a surviver I try to find new meaning in my life, to listen to my heart more, and care less about others. I slowly un-learn my adaptations, and try not to be on the edge that often. It’s a process, really. Slow paces up the mountain, sometimes sliding back down. Patience. I tell myself, after all It’s been more than two decades of abuse, that can’t go away that easily.

On mental morphology

Cinesthetic feasts

In the Czech Surrealist tradition, “morphologie mentale” is applied to the meshing of subjective experience with an external topography, so that particular external landmarks (such as houses, staircases, or trees) are integrated into one’s psyche, and affect its formation in the same way that certain vital experiences can.

“…human consciousness is not so much determined by various childhood deprivations and traumas, but rather by the landscape in which a person has lived and the objects that they might have touched. Many years ago, the Surrealists even tried, with the help of questionnaires, to prove that the way a landscape is formed, the number of corners a house has and how crookedly a tree grows outside the window, have as much effect on the psyche as the upbringing. The Surrealists called this imprint of the external (a collection of measurable quantity, dimensions, tone and colour) onto the spiritual microcosm of a…

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record keeper

WHY I WRITE – a Chuck Wendig prompt

The simple answer is: I fell in love with stories.

It hit me one day, without warning.

thoughts on shuffle

There are places, which make me stop and think for a while.

A lot of these places are in Japan… I can’t say it’s just the small little streets and corners. Sometimes it’s a crowded place in Kyoto, or a nearly empty little street in Shibuya, a playground in Minami Nagareyama, a JR ferry in Hiroshima… They differ from each other so greatly, that I wonder if they are even on the same planet – which obviously they are.
Maybe it is a simple panic attack, or derealization experience I had…
Only, if it wasn’t for that deja-vu… 

I’ll be more precise.

The feeling they give me, makes me stop. Suddenly I have not enough breath in my lungs and my feet stretch to touch the core of the planet. A weird kind of buzzing fills the space between my ears…

I’ve been here before, haven’t I?

desire flashbacks

Why is it, that suddenly everything starts to gravitate towards the edge?
Those jagged edges of the you-shaped hole chew away my reality.

I let my fingers, thoughts and heart brush over it. Just to be sure, it is there. I’m not imagining it. Not imagining you.

Sharp. I cut myself remembering you. Missing you… Returning to the same spot. Hurting again.

Sometimes it’s a cracking sound, sometimes a wet ripping… Sometimes the gut twisting silence I’m forced to listen to.

brain storms

(Interstellar)

*

I was once trapped.

Caught and bound.

Wrapped in bones,

flesh and blood and skin.

Next stop, 2015

To all of you, Happy New Year!

May  your demons sleep, and your toes be cosy warm. May your plates be full, and cups filled with your favorite liquid bliss.

May your ways be narrow but easy to walk. May the wayside obstacles entertain and help you. Look for the stars, but don’t forget to look before your feet.

May your travel buddies  keep you safe and stark. May your loved ones accompany you, in every step you make.

May your wishes grant you the growing impulse you need.

– be safe!

delusional wisdom

Why are the nights brighter and less delusive, than broad daylight?

Is it because I know it’s a dream I’m observing?

Is it the lack of cause and effect?

Is it the knowledge of not being punished?

Am I innocent? Can I convince myself, that I did no harm?

Did it ever cross my mind, that I won’t stop suffering?

Will I ever give it a rest?

The only chance my heart gets to speak to me – the only truth and desires – is when I dream. And I am not listening! Not even then!

What does that tell you about me?

the morning star

I’m in love with the morning star.  (pt 1)

---

Love and sacrifices are only meant for mortals…

Those were fate’s plans for the prince. His aberrant behavior lead to something more than the insignificance of a dust speckle. Still…

The deep blue void has many laws, unknown to humans. Which all-living things have to follow. Only very few of them referring to earth and the contamination of it. Some of them are about the balance of darkness and light, but most of them are about the void. The nothing, the emptiness, containing everything – black, white, blue, yellow, heat, radiation and vacuum. The world of a star. Everything hostile to a human body and life.

the name of the morning star

I’m in love with the morning star.

This is not only about me, my stories, or my search.

It’s about the sky and the stars, and everything behind that deep blue void. Behind that distance, the stone cold space, deprived of… meaning?

No.

That’s not right.

It isn’t the lack of meaning.