hallucinating, aren’t we…


“It’s hot.”

No, it’s not. It is freezing. Of course. That absent dreamy look I know exactly. “Shit. Why you have to do this in the middle of a fucking storm? Nice weather is… nice, you know!” I can´t keep my eyes locked on his face, after all, I have to drive. “Did you…? Mhhh. Are you? Are you high?”

“No. It is going to snow pretty hard.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious! It’s been snowing for the last two days. Did you pack any supplies?”

“No, we don’t need…”

“What?! The cabin! You’re going to stay there for two weeks! Dammit. What are you thinking? Now, we have to turn ’round, to-”

“-NO! DON’T! We’ll be late!”

“Hey! Keep off your hands! Are you trying to kill us?! You ARE high! What the hell, did you take?”

“No-nothin’, honestly! I’m sober too. But. But I think I’m… I might be. I might be a bit crazy. No, no! Don’t be scared! I’m the good kind crazy, not that kind that kills.”

“Ooooh – Kay… Mhm. Should that – make me feel any better? I don’t see how…” He wasn’t staring into the snowstorm anymore. He pierced my skull with his eyes. Two gleaming spots. That burning sensation above my ears… I didn’t dare to look at him.

“You drive. I’ll keep the shadows away. And whatever you do… Don’t, just, don’t turn the lights off.”

my wolf is showing

The train rumbled on.

It was a bumpy ride and the hot coffee in my hand spilled over my knee. The yelping sound I made, escaped before I could catch it. I bit my lip, and breathed out heavily. Suddenly I had the urge to scream.

My mirrored face grinned, as a thick blood drop left my lower lip, to paint a wet red street down my chin. The stain on my knee turned already cold. I caught the blood drop in  the paper cup with the steaming coffee.

I forced myself to look at the landscape flying by. The copper taste of my own blood  made me swallow. It tasted like throbbing broken will. My fangs dug deeper into  the soft tissue of my cheek. Remember! You are human now! I told myself. Looking into my own eyes I steadied my breath.

Still… I felt the itching of my fur beneath my soft skin. It itched like hell. It was not supposed to be showing, just when  touched by moonlight. The night is coming for you… I heard my blood whispering to me. Only one way to soothe my soul. I wanted to howl so badly. I felt the moon up already. My eyes turned yellow. Only one way to soothe my soul. I growled a bit. When is here no one around? My wolf is showing, trying to break down the door. My nails scratched slightly at the fabric of my jeans and coat. I licked my lip.

Before transformation- full moon was in two days- my smelling sense was exploding, boosting me beyond any human sense. Even if I didn’t want it to, I couldn’t help myself. I sniffed in the air  hungrily, licking my lips and squeezing my eyes shut. Fragrances crushing above me, trying to drown me. It took a little time to adjust, to see- what was real, what I felt. Those  threads people, pets  and food left here… It  always amazed me, how humans could suppress those informations. I couldn’t. Not now.

dreams of doomsday

dreams of doomsday

The steaming mug of tea drew a slow, hot circle in the laminate of the coffee table.

Normal physics. The best of it, the calming part. Not the going haywire for no fucking reason. Inside this room, my apartment. Everything seems to be stable for now.

Outside though… Visible vectors, stretching and distorting time and space… Things which should not be. Impossible things. Today I saw a bird climbing back into an egg, before exploding.

This is wrong… Everything… It doesn’t make sense. Continue reading “dreams of doomsday”

sheep headed man

sheep headed man

Torn by the northern

wind, the sky looks

shattered and hurt.

A candle’s light dances

in my breath’s rhythm.

The sheep headed man

moves closer, shivers

under his old grey coat.

A candle’s light isn’t

enough to warm you up;

isn’t enough to

make you relax.

But it’s enough

To hope for more…

The ram looks me

straight in the eye:

“It is enough, for you

to need more,

to crave for more…”

pic by Julian Pardo


Mr. Jones’ psychotic adventures – part 4

-part 3-part 2-part 1

Ziggy is sitting across the table. You will not give him any food, not even a pinch. As punishment. Anyone, who behaves like that doesn’t get a bit from the delicious dinner you are making.

You concentrate on Marina. Yes, that´s her name. She’s your beautiful tailed woman. She was surprised seeing you again at her door, but she accepted your offer. So you did well last night after all. That makes you proud.

She changes as you start preparing. Sweet potatoes, apples, flour, eggs, salmon, cutting herbs and that stuff. She makes you coffee. Still no milk. But she shows you where the sugar is. She´s smiling. She´s beautiful, you state that and swallow. She giggles.

Continue reading “threats”

soft spot

Mr. Jones’ psychotic adventures – part 2

 – part 1 – Where to, Mr. Jones?

There was a train, wasn’t it? You ask yourself, still half asleep. Train rides are always fun. You know that, don´t you?

Maybe not, when you are sitting on the lap of a full grown gorilla, and a thin man is forcing you to eat some fried spiders and crickets, with french fries. They are crunchy, but… Without ketchup, it simply doesn’t taste good.

You know, nothing tastes good without ketchup – surprisingly you never thought of that before. Continue reading “soft spot”


Her fingers trailing along the gleaming line on the side of the machine.”Why is it soft?” She retracts surprised her fingers, not being able to hide her disgust. “I mean, should it be like this?”

“Hm? Yeah. It has to. I’d be glad if you didn’t contaminate it.” I tell her, still busy calculating. I stew over some algorithms. I’m not able to find the error – the EPUs seem to get contradictory data from one of the cores.

“It’s like jello!” She giggles. I turn around.

“You never heard about neuronal silica gel? You know, the brain equivalent of AIs!”  I may regret letting her in, after all… “No?” Come on, you’d understand if you’d seen her face. So miserable. Locked out in the pouring rain, she looked like a kicked dog. I couldn’t resist…”Never mind. It’ll be well hidden.” As planned under all those carbon fibre enhanced shielding units. “Under those, over there. They’ll protect it. Hopefully.” I point to the black pile on the other side of the room.

“And here I was thinking, that was nothing but junk.” She smiles. Man. Why do women have to smile? Like they know my weak spots. A humming noise comes from somewhere. I swallow. The humming fades away.

“Cause it is … somehow, um – junk…” More swallowing. I would have never admitted that to anyone. Damn. “Here’s a towel over there, dry clothes in the closet. Not your size, but better than nothing, right? Go change and I’ll make some tea. K?” She smiles even more. The buzzing. It’s in my head, right between my ears. Hot cheeks. I grab one of the  clean towels and give it to her. Her fingers touch mine. Feels like tiny hot needles under my skin. A burning sensation not only on my skin… I musn’t freak out. Smile.

“Tea would be great!” That’s relief. I guess.

“You can change over there. It’s not much, I know-”

“Nono. It’s great. You let me in. I was wandering around for several hours. You’re the first one letting me in…Thank you. You are very kind.” She’s been wondering around? Maybe she’s homeless… She doesn’t look like a beggar. Maybe a thief… Got nothing of value here anyway…  But who knows. The rain outside dims the light. Everything’s grey. Even greyer than usually. It wasn’t even evening. I guess it won’t stop for some days. The radio said something about early monsoon season. The tea kettle started whistling. Tea.

“Which you want?”

“Which what?” She sneaks up behind me. Yawns.

“Tea. Tea. Um, yeah… Tea”

“My, my. You’re jumpy. Everything you drink will be fine.” She says, seemingly bored. “Say. What does this do?”

“What? NO! Nononononono. Don’t touch that! You gonna blow us up!” I push her away from the monitoring panel. “It’s the self-destruct” Some weird explanation for the emergency power override button- I know, I know- but for now it has to be sufficient. I thrust her the cup of tea into her hands.

“Why would you need a self-destruct?! Are you building bombs?”

the smell of snow

The stuffed animals stared down at him as if they knew something he didn’t.

That thought  hit him like a truck. His hair stood on end…

The urge to vomit climbed up in his throat. It came so sudden, that he barely managed to fight it back. The nausea calmed after a moment, and he took a deep breath. Everything was back to normal. Just the stuffed animals… They still looked pitiful at him.

What was it with today? Such a cold, gray January-day charged with static electricity… Winter at its best, or worst… A blizzard was coming. The weather forecast kept warning since two or three days. He felt it since he opened his eyes this morning. In bed, he first thought he was back in the hospital and got scared. Then he remembered, the mint-green ceiling was Anna’s idea. His hands found the empty hollow, where she used to sleep. She answered his calling right away. Their daughter, Alexandra, had a nightmare, so she slept with her.

This day was different. He couldn’t put his finger on it. Even the toast tasted funny. More like …dust. His imagination was playing tricks on him. Surely.

As he opened the shop. There was this distinct sensation of emptiness as he entered. Emptiness and darkness. As if danger was stalking him. He shook it off.

The Teddies. They sat lazily, lined up in a row, staring down from the shelf, with a malicious glee sparkling in their glass-eyes …No. That could not be. He must be imagining it…

Those animals were ancient, older than himself. By far. The antique shop was full with them. The owner loved and specialized with stuffed Teddies. And those looking at him so viciously were the most precious ones. He walked up and down in the shop, like a caged tiger. He felt tension creeping up his back, attaching itself to the space between his scapulae. Right there, it burned his skin with an icy sensation, drilling itself deeper. The piercing chill got stronger as he exhaled, making him burst in cold sweat.

No customer showed up, so he went to the entrance and opened the door. The bell chimed with its usual hollow jingle. He managed a strained smile at the passers by. No one noticed him, or they ignored him. The wind blew in some snowflakes. He had to close the door, humidity is bad for the paintings and the etchings… He turned on his heel.

Again. The Teddies were staring his way. Something… Fury burning in their eyes.

“Come on, Albert. You’re imagining things. You’ll jump at your own shadow.” He told himself loudly. It only helped a little bit. The stabbing sensation in his back made him whimper. He tried to sit down, but missed the chair and fell. The expensive Persian carpet felt good under his palms and back. It was soft, thick and smelled good.

The pain left him. Albert closed his eyes and breathed. Tears ran down his face. He started crying, he noticed with surprise. There was no reason for it. He wasn’t sad, or anything… His life was stable, without problems, enough to live and to eat. There was a loving wife and a daughter waiting for him at home. He was satisfied. At least he believed it…



I don’t know what it is…

We just sit on the stairs, outside, in the darkness. No one speaks. Rain. It is a gentle, silent rain like in autumn; still summer though…

Inside, the party is in full swing. Laughing, music and shattering glass. Next to me she moves suddenly. The ice cubes clinks in her glass. I still have liquor left in mine.

„You know“, she states, letting her voice slip away into the blue. „You know, I’m different.“ I wait if she throws a meaningful look at me, but she doesn’t.

I stare at her silhouette, trying to spot the thing that isn’t right. Feels like… Don’t know. She is weird. Definitely. She talks with an accent I don’t know where to put…

Besides, who else would prefer the chill outside over a party? Who cares? Something about her face catches me, in first place. I think it is her eyes. She keeps them casted down. But from time to time, she seems to forget it, and I catch a glimpse.

She has unusually bright yellow eyes, glowing with a soft golden light. As if there is a lit candle in the depth of her scull.

„I’m a foreigner.“ She says in a flat tone. This time she looks at me. „You should not be here. With me.“ Her eyes darken. „Leave! They come to pick me up.“

sympathy for the devil

Do you want to know a secret?

Never told this anyone before. Not even grandpa or mommy knows about this. But I tell you, sweetheart. You are my grandchild, and I know you will understand this someday. I can tell. It is one of my most treasured adventures… Oh, don’t be silly! Yes, of course, granny had adventures of her own. But this one was by far, the most intensive.

Once, I met the devil! Yes, I did, I truly did. The devil, himself! Don’t make that face, it will stay that way! What? You hope it will? Hahaha, you rascal!

It was a day, like today. Hot, filled with birds singing, and butterflies playing above the flowers. Summer was gaining power. The days grew longer and the sky changed from the spring grayish-white to the strong blue, marking the arrival of lasting heat… The lime trees were blooming. Just like today. You smell their scent? Isn’t this wonderful?

Continue reading “sympathy for the devil”