There are places, which make me stop and think for a while.
A lot of these places are in Japan… I can’t say it’s just the small little streets and corners. Sometimes it’s a crowded place in Kyoto, or a nearly empty little street in Shibuya, a playground in Minami Nagareyama, a JR ferry in Hiroshima… They differ from each other so greatly, that I wonder if they are even on the same planet – which obviously they are.
Maybe it is a simple panic attack, or derealization experience I had…
Only, if it wasn’t for that deja-vu…
I’ll be more precise.
The feeling they give me, makes me stop. Suddenly I have not enough breath in my lungs and my feet stretch to touch the core of the planet. A weird kind of buzzing fills the space between my ears…
I’ve been here before, haven’t I? Continue reading “thoughts on shuffle”
I was once trapped.
Caught and bound.
Wrapped in bones,
flesh and blood and skin.
A hostile universe tied
to me, inside of me.
I knew it, deep down,
felt it move.
Felt is grow.
Dressed up into
my own delusions,
in my own pictures
of the world and me-
it’s leather on skin,
thought on fact,
flesh on bone,
time on space…
Good intentions on sins
clean gloves on dirty hands
Me on me.
And another me.
I can’t stop myself from looking at him – snow white skin, hair, dark as chocolate, topaz eyes borrowed from a bird of prey, soft lips, bowed in a mischievous arch – vibrant memories, which won’t let me sleep, won’t let me close my eyes. Even if I do, I’ll open them up, asap. Feeling his breath, his gaze peeled to whatever there is to be to be noticed in my face.
Even in the darkness of the room, drawn curtains, and the half moon shining… Even in the solid black mist his eyes seems to glow in that strange orange golden light. He seems to emit it, his faces, his mouthes, his shiny teeth… All screaming curiosity.
“What is it?”
“Nothing. I´ve never seen someone fall asleep before.”
“What? Never? Why?”
“I never sleep. So I’m curious.”
“Suit yourself.” Indeed, I’m exhausted, and ´bout to fall asleep. “So you never sleep, hm? Do you – ever dream?” My lips move lazily. The bed sheets still hot and messed up. Feeling heavy on my skin.
“Yes. But mine are different from yours. I do not lose myself doing so.” His voice softens, moves closer somewhere near my left temple. “And when you’ll lose yourself, you’ll be empty – a living, breathing hollow shell. Just waiting.” His voice sounds now like a whisper, moves suddenly from my left to the right ear… Of course -forgot- two mouthes. Two tongues. Strangely, they sound the same.
Can’t open my eyes, sleep burns inside of them. It is a soft warm black, that keeps dripping, dissolving into my mind. “Mhm. What for?” Words drop out hazily, I just breathe them out.
“For me, to do as I please… Shhh, now. Go back to sleep…”
Why are the nights brighter and less delusive, than broad daylight?
Is it because I know it’s a dream I’m observing?
Is it the lack of cause and effect?
Is it the knowledge of not being punished?
Am I innocent? Can I convince myself, that I did no harm?
Did it ever cross my mind, that I won’t stop suffering?
Will I ever give it a rest?
The only chance my heart gets to speak to me – the only truth and desires – is when I dream. And I am not listening! Not even then!
What does that tell you about me?
official cover illustration “OUTER GOD”
(art by Daryl Toh Liem Zhan, written by Luc Labelle)… a bit lovecraftian prompt anyone?