Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

Olaf is a resourceful man, isn’t he? A skilled hunter and a handy craftsman. A bloodthirsty maniac can still learn a lot from him. On your thirteenth day together, a black cloud comes, and man cannot walk, birds can’t fly, and fish can’t swim. Dear Aries, you will be safe, you will be held. It’s all upside down from here on, but you will BE.

TAURUS

Collect all dolls in your house, and put them into a box. Leave them out in a park, a parking lot, an island, the swamp, anywhere you like, but not near your house or flat. They mustn’t return to you. Their revenge will be most gruesome if they find you. They will punish you for what you did to them.

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

Sorry, dear Aries. Last week the Vikings were coming, not the locusts. Hold your horses, we do make mistakes. Granted, never big ones, we’re not perfect. Oh, and the big Viking hiding in your basement is getting hungry, and thirsty. Give the man some pizza, and maybe some mead, so he won’t try to kill you. By the way, he is Olaf and likes long walks on the beach, braided beards and long shiny hair.

TAURUS

Time is looping around you. You shouldn’t be that happy, you know. Yes, it is a great achievement, and you are a genius. But… Sigh, we know you want everything to remain as it is. You merit great moments, you really do. Reliving them makes us a bit sleepy, and bored. You know what? Contact us, if you’ve had enough.

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

The locusts are coming. It’s not a warning, it’s a promise. We know you are not a farmer. We know you don’t give a s****, but the locusts do. It’s a mutation within your DNA. Those locusts are just going to love you to bits. We suggest you don’t leave your apartment, and tape the windows and the doors shut.

TAURUS

There are letters on your doorstep. They are all the love letters that were lost, or never sent in the first place. There are simple napkins, post-its, envelopes, and torn notebook pages. Some are wet, some perfumed and some are pink. If you’re lucky, you live on ground floor, and you are able to leave through a window. If not… We will come to that next week.

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

This week you are under the guidance and protection of the Ancient Eldritch Entities, aka THE cephalopods. It’s the eye of a Giant Ethereal Cuttlefish, that judges you 24/7. You will be up on the soul-board next month. You will be judged and disputed upon in the course of following nine days; even your first bids may arrive. We suggest you show your best or your worst. Whichever will do.

TAURUS

You may feel that you want to work more with your hands. That feeling coursing through your muscles will remain with you. What a curious feeling! Dig your hands into the garden soil, into the sand in children’s playground, let your fingertips taste the cold clay if you dig the hole for that body.

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

Keep walking. You’re on the path of ancient evil. We know it doesn’t feel like that, but ultimately you will meet your God. The revengeful God of so many regions is smiling upon you. No, let’s be precise. The revengeful God is sneering at you. Keep your head down, and don’t stop walking. We root for you.

TAURUS

It’s time to relax, dear Taurus. Eat, take naps and have some drinks, then go swim in the ocean. When you cannot see the shore, you will be surrounded by huge black fins, don’t be afraid. They have come to guide you to the turquoise cave. Dive and follow them. You will meet the Ocean herself.  Listen to what she has to say.

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

It’s late. You shouldn’t mind if a stranger offers help. Try to be friendly, offer tuna or salmon. This stranger could give you the most interesting time of your life, or eternal peace. It’s up to you. Somehow those cats won’t leave you alone, huh? A bit of catnip should do the trick, you’re welcome.

TAURUS

It’s easy to forget your dream from last night. It is easy to forget the dreams you had as a kid. You were so confident, you’d make them come true. That was the only sensible thing to do… But oh, cruel fate. There is no easy way to be faithful to dreams, my friend. They are what’s not tainted in us. They are what we choose to sacrifice.

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

Always take time for a good breakfast. You need to go nourished into the flaming void of the new day. Coffee, omelet, croissants, orange juice, pastry, mung bean sprouts, strawberries, bacon and lots of steaks – fresh, bloody and kicking. Satisfy your appetites. Take what you need, or you will be taken by need.

TAURUS

Cordoba is a gorgeous place. The people there are beautiful, passionate, hot-headed, and there might be a unique element in their blood. That red in the walls of every building is no coincidence. There is magic, love, and lust. You should visit. Now!

Weekly Horrorscope

ARIES

You woke up today, congrats.  One down, thousand fifty-two to go. You will fall asleep, and wake up in Paris – for a month. Don’t trust a word what the cats say. There is no truth in a cat’s answer.

TAURUS

Yep. That’s a grizzly. Nope, it’s not the Yeti. By the way, those berries you ate half an hour ago, those weren’t huckleberries. Yep. Pretty much.