ARIES

Sorry, dear Aries. Last week the Vikings were coming, not the locusts. Hold your horses, we do make mistakes. Granted, never big ones, we’re not perfect. Oh, and the big Viking hiding in your basement is getting hungry, and thirsty. Give the man some pizza, and maybe some mead, so he won’t try to kill you. By the way, he is Olaf and likes long walks on the beach, braided beards and long shiny hair.

TAURUS

Time is looping around you. You shouldn’t be that happy, you know. Yes, it is a great achievement, and you are a genius. But… Sigh, we know you want everything to remain as it is. You merit great moments, you really do. Reliving them makes us a bit sleepy, and bored. You know what? Contact us, if you’ve had enough.

GEMINI

There is a signal coming through. Reach out with your hands, tentacles, your antennas. You will understand its meaning, without being able to consciously process it. The signal encodes the mainframe matrix of your guiding spirit. Activation codes will be transmitted as soon as you are ready to give up.

CANCER

Oh no, you didn’t! You are a nasty piece of work! Geez. Okay. We do not look. We do not listen. We do not breathe a word. We swear. We know nothing of this week. Happy?

LEO

Shhhh, don’t cry, no one saw that. Just start again from scratch. That’s water, 35 liters and  20 kg of carbon, 4 liters ammonia, 1.5 kg chalk, 800 grams phosphorus, 250 grams salt and this heavy mystery bag of crazy. And don’t forget to add free will and a handful of darkness and glitter.

VIRGO

The drone is coming back to you. All of them come back to you. You are their mother now. You take good care of all your children, you love them equally. Their bodies do not matter to you, their languages do not matter to you. But there is one thing that matters. It’s their dreams that feed you, dear Virgo.

LIBRA

The spiders alerted us. A man is stalking you. He has a skeleton, and he will use it. His glare will burn on your skin. To solve this riddle, you need to develop those old negatives you found in the shoebox in the attic. There will be a black dog and an old woman. After that, it’s up to you.

SCORPIO

There will be a lost Japanese man standing in your doorway. He will be very confused, and he will be wearing the armor of a samurai. You have two days to gain his trust because you need something of his. Then, the time window closes, and you will be the lost man.

SAGITTARIUS

Listen to the rain. Listen to the pattern of starlight through the darkness. The night whispers to you. Listen to the sound of your naked feet. Listen to the wind. Listen. Huh… Sometimes they have a point. Sometimes it’s only too many voices.

CAPRICORN

This is no ordinary cabin in the woods story. This is not your usual demonic possession story, no murderous redneck is going to hunt you down, no invisible monster will chase you. No jinxes, we promise; no abandoned tape recorders, no wood witches, no mean police officers, no skinwalkers or wendigos either. This is about all the dragons, and how you killed them.

AQUARIUS

The ants have declared war upon you. Disgusting, we know, once in a while they need this. They cannot really harm you, but they sure can annoy you. Buy a new toothbrush, and don’t leave anything edible outside an airtight container, or the fridge. Also, lock and seal your bedroom windows and the door.

PISCES

It is going to be an accidental peek behind the curtains. There is no easy way to describe this. Don’t try to word it, to express concerns, or even think about it. That flash of truth/reality will change you. Just keep recalling it, as accurately as possible. It doesn’t matter what it means.

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